I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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