Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
