Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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