Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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