You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
