i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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