He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
