The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
