hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
