I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
