Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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