I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
