Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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