There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
