I just threw up on my dentist
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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