I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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