Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
