Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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