I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
