i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
