True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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