Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My friends, they love my intelligence
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
