so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
