Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
