we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
