1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
