It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
