all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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