I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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