and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
