Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
