I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
