Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
