Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
