remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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