Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I want a musical about memes.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
