So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
