Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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