I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Houston, we have a squirter
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
God, I missed his penis.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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