My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
