I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
