Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
