I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
