you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
