I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
