So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
