James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
