I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
