So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize