i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
this beer tastes like vomit already
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
