last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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