Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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