Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
