I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
