toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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