I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
