I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
