Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize